SILENCE IS VIOLENCE

I’ve written this for some time now and have thought long and hard before posting it. If what I focus on expands then I really just want to be focusing on good health, personal development, love, financial freedom and traveling the world. However, I felt that using my voice and sharing my experience on this issue would be of greater significance to others than my silence.

Boys will be boys

Just to be clear, This is not a political post. Ironically, I am a Political Science Graduate who doesn’t follow up on the U.S. Presidential elections. I have not seen any of the Debates. To be honest, I haven’t watched television in months. The only reason I even know about Trump’s ‘grab the pussy’ incident is because there was no missing it on my Facebook Timeline.

He wants to “grab the pussy” (without consent)? Excuse me if I’m a party pooper because I didn’t find it funny. Yeah, I know he calls  it ‘normal’ locker-room talk and well, that’s just how men speak but I don’t buy it. I will not tolerate that defense. These kinds of behaviour and the mindset that leads to and encourages these kinds of behaviour can no longer be just a ‘9 Days Wonder’. The women who have to live with the repercussions of this “Boys will be boys” mindset that facilitates the pervasive culture of rape, molestation and abuse suffer for far more than 9 days. Some suffer for more than 9 years. And well, some just never recover. So I will no longer remain silent.

I’m not playing judge or jury on Trump and I’m not validating the allegations of the ladies. I have no idea if either is guilty or innocent. What I am saying, however, is that when we excuse certain behaviour, we send out the message that’s it’s ok for boys to say whatever they want to and about girls. And by the time this message has been cemented and these boys grow up to be men, well, they become the bane of some woman’s existence. And that is NOT ok. Boys can no longer just be boys. Boys MUST BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE for their actions!

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Break the silence

“Why did these women wait so long to report it?”

“They’re lying! They just want fame.”

“They just want his money.”

I’ve seen this cynicism before. It’s not unusual for people to disbelieve a victim or condemn her for coming forward because, by their standards, she took too long to report it so it couldn’t possibly be true. I saw similar comments with the Cosby allegations and I kept silent; Partly because, for years, I’ve had plans on creating a campaign that addresses the issue of Rape and Molestation, partly because I had reservations about putting my personal life out there and partly because I really didn’t have the energy to respond to every idiotic comment I saw. But somehow this time, I am prodded by purpose to get out of my usual ‘moving right along” attitude and break my silence.

I’ve been waiting for the ‘perfect time’ and the ‘perfect strength’ since what seems like forever, but I read somewhere recently that the time is always right to do what is right. Though, there will never be a perfect time to want to feel vulnerable, this is not just about me.

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I’m Stacia Davidson. About 30 years ago, I was sexually molested by my neighbour Mr. Gordon when I was about 6 years old. Yes, I know if I’m to follow the thread of comments I’ve seen, in relation to the Trump and Cosby allegations, then I should also keep silent. In fact, it was 30 years ago, so by ‘logical’ social media trolls’ deduction, I must be lying or it was probably my fault. Furthermore, the time has long passed so why come forward now? “Get over it already!”

It was not my fault. I was not asking for it. I am not seeking pity. I’m not a victim. I’m not (just) a survivor. I’m a VICTOR. I have been fortunate enough to break free from the negative hold that the experience had on me for years. Unfortunately, many of my sisters have not been as fortunate. They still suffer from depression, anxiety, low-self esteem, fear, distrust and/or hatred for men and are still reliving the horror. It’s hard in itself to finally muster enough courage to actually come forward to speak out and name your molester/rapist but then to have people condemn you because somehow anyone who would wait that long to name the person who violated them must be lying.

Silence is Violence

I am coming forward now because I CHOOSE to speak about it now. I am coming forward because there is violence in silence. I’m coming forward because our silence continues to be their greatest weapon. I’m coming forward because of the thought of how many cases I may have prevented and how many other little girls’ innocence could have been protected had I not kept silent. I’m coming forward because of how many little girls’ lives were probably altered at the hands of Mr. Gordon because I kept silent. It was as if I had inflicted their pain by keeping his ‘secret’. I’m coming forward because my silence made him comfortable. I gave him no reason to stop hurting others.

I am coming forward because I refuse to protect the reputation of a man that hurts little girls. I’m coming forward because I won’t let molestation and rape continue to be ‘normal’. I’m coming forward because I will not let these men that prey on women and children win. I’m coming forward because of the children and women who continue to suffer in silence. I’m coming forward so that they know they have support. I’m coming forward so they can have the courage to speak out, to get help, and to name their predator. I’m coming forward because if I can prevent one little girl from this experience then I would have spared her life.

I am coming forward because I’m hoping to inspire change. Change in the way you think… about victims, about rapists and molesters… and about using your voice as a positive agent of change.

It’s disheartening that 1 in every 6 woman has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. Additionally, 1 in every 4 girl will be sexually molested before she is 18 years old. Yet, amidst this prevalence, it’s sad and scary that both men and women alike are uninformed and have such warped opinions and expectations of how a victim/survivor is supposed to and not supposed to act or when and under what circumstances she is or isn’t supposed to reveal that it happened. Be more mindful of your words. Show some empathy.

For some of you, it’s not until the situation knocks on your door directly that you will care but believe me, it has knocked, you just haven’t heard because you’re in too deep a sleep. With statistics like those, I can almost assure you that someone you love dearly or someone you know personally has been sexually molested or raped and probably by someone you know. Let that marinate. 

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To my sisters, the process of healing is hard… and long… but possible. Always remember, the places you had to overcome your greatest challenges and pains are the places you have the most to give. When you have moved a mountain you let others know it can be moved.Your purpose will heal your pain but your voice will protect another from pain. 

To everyone who ignores, turn a blind eye and keeps silent on this issue, you have chosen the side of the rapists. Silence is violence. Break the Silence. Break the Cycle. I dare you to care share.

Victoriously yours,

Queen Stacia xoxo

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11 Lessons from a Street-Smart Entrepreneur

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As a budding entrepreneur, I’ve made many mistakes; Some of which could have possibly been avoided had I read more books and gathered more information beforehand. Thankfully, it’s almost never too late to learn, grow and achieve your entrepreneurial goals. Having started reading and loving the learning experience, I want to share 11 lessons from one of the books I read earlier this year- “The Street-Smart Entrepreneur” by Jay Goltz. 

1. Take inventory of your assets and leverage them. If you’ve got it, use it, even if it’s just a great smile.

2. A healthy business starts with a healthy body. Your health is your best long term investment. Taking care of your health is one job you can’t delegate.

3. Get rid of employees who continually challenge your company’s standards.

4. Long term relationships are easy to get into and hard to get out of. Choose your partners carefully and always have an escape clause.

5. Motivation without education leads to frustration.

6. Screw ups happen when you delegate authority but deal with them. Don’t stop delegating.

7. A Litmus test – Ask yourself how you would feel if a given employee told you today that he/she was leaving. If you wouldn’t feel sorry to lose that employee, he/she probably should be off the payroll.

8. Continually ask yourself, “What’s the most important thing for my company right now, and how can I best leverage my abilities in the service of my company?”

9. Stop being so gullible. People lie. Fullstop.

10. Take time to read – Business magazines, books, articles, audiotapes.

11. Companies that have great customer service have great customer service training. SAVE is an easy way to remember how to deal with customer complaints.

S- ympathize- let them know you care and understand

A- ct- do something to resolve the problem

V-indicate – let customers know it’s not normal to make that kind of mistake

E-at -bare some of the expense or loss to redeem situation so as to make the customer happy and save company from losing a customer.

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Thanks for reading. I hope at least one of these lessons resonated with you. Please follow and SUBSCRIBE to my blog and get updated when there’s a new post by clicking the ‘subscribe’ button on the page.

Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

Follow the blog IG: @naturaliconbeauty

Personal IG: @staciadavidson

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10 Lessons From Six-Figure Women

One of the the goals that I’ve set for myself for 2016 is to read at least 24 books for the year. Most of the books that I will read will cover the areas of Personal Development, Relationships, Black History and Empowerment and Business, Entrepreneurial and Financial Knowledge. I’m going to use this medium as a means of sharing any note-worthy points or lessons from my readings. My hope is that it will inspire you peak your interest and inspire you to up your reading game. The first book that I read was the “Secrets of Six-Figure Women” by Barbara Stanny.

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Here are 10 lessons from six-figure women that I wish to share with you:

1. Working hard doesn’t mean working all the time. The critical factor is not the number of hours as much as the intensity of focus

2. Focus on fulfilling your values rather than just financial gain.

3. “If making money is the goal, you’ll never make enough to be happy. You’ll always want more. A lot of people fall into this trap and never find happiness because they’re always chasing dollars.” – Traci Jardins

4. Sometimes the real reason behind our denial is that we are afraid. An admission of truth makes us accountable to change.

5. Inherent in every intention is the mechanics for it’s fulfillment. Strong intentions have been known to produce sheer miracles. When an implicit desire- say, to be comfortable- is stronger than your spoken intention- to be profitable- you’ll stop yourself at every turn.You may say, and believe, you want to make more, but that’s not the message that’s reaching your brain. if you want to know what your strongest intention is regarding money, look at your life. if cash flow is a problem, if your job pays too little, if prosperity remains elusive, if you cant seem to find the time to do what it takes, then either you have not set an intention or you actually intend not to be financially successful. No decision, after all, is a decision.

6. “There are two games in life. The one most of us are playing, called Not to Lose, is an avoidance game. We’re so afraid of taking risks, looking bad, that we never really win.” –Larry Wilson The desire to avoid fear (whether it’s fear of rejection or disapproval, of success or of failure) is what keeps most of us in the Not to Lose game.

7. There’s a strong tendency when fear and stress come up to slip back to what feels safe, into the game of Not to Lose. The whole key to this strategy is to recognize, as quickly as possible, that you’re playing to be safe and not to succeed.

8. Asking for more is an act of self-love. Saying no is a show of self-respect. Refusing to settle is a statement of self-worth. And walking away is a sign of self-trust. Whenever you stand up for what you want, whenever you refuse to take less than what you deserve, you reinforce your self-love, self-respect, self-worth, and self-trust. In time, you’ll begin to notice a shift in how you feel about yourself. Speaking up becomes not something you should do,but something you have to do-because you know in your heart you’re worth it.

9. Declare an intention to attract supportive people in your life and be willing to let go of those who aren’t.

10. Go as far as you can using all that you’ve got.

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Thanks for reading. I hope at least one of these lessons resonated with you. Please follow and SUBSCRIBE to my blog and get updated when there’s a new post by clicking the ‘subscribe’ button on the page.

Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

Follow the blog IG: @naturaliconbeauty

Personal IG: @staciadavidson

Like me on Facebook: Click Here.

Men To Mend

Why are you trying to fix it?

Usually people tell you how to get married, how to find that perfect partner, in fact, there are probably thousands of books on that subject but this is not one of those books blog posts. On the contrary, this post is about telling you how to let go, how to leave that man who has been making your life a living hell and how to stay and be happy as a single woman. Doesn’t sound enticing? Well, that’s because this post is exactly written with you in mind. Let’s get this straight, I am not advocating for #TeamSingle and am in no way suggesting that single life is the overall best alternative. I am, however, advocating for #TeamHappy and am boldly suggesting that sometimes, as women, we stay and suffer in bad relationships just so we don’t have to be single. You may want to leave the relationship but it seems as if some invisible force keeps pulling you back in. Ashanti made melody to this kind of ‘situationship’ with her hit song when she said, “…see my days are cold without you and I’m hurting while I’m with you and when my heart can’t take no more I keep on running back to you..” If you want to have any shot at a happy and fulfilling life, then making the decision to leave him and sticking to it may be the best decision you will ever make in your entire life. No regrets. No bitterness.

You may ask what gives me the authority to write about this. Why should anyone listen to me? Though I opted for a Political Science degree instead of a degree in Counselling or Psychology, my experience as a friend, as a girlfriend and also as an ex give me the authority. I have been in relationships and I’ve been out of them. I have been all stages of single: miserably single, angrily single, sadly single, depressingly single and lastly, and wholly rewarding, happily single. I’ve heard many relationship stories, listened to my friends cry, (and I have cried on their shoulders as well) and I have realized a common thread. Hence, my authority is EXPERIENCE- mine and that of others. I’m telling you what you might not want to hear but what you will need to hear to move forward. There are just some relationships that aren’t worth saving. There’s nothing worse than to be tied to someone who doesn’t understand your destiny, someone who is abusive physically and/or verbally, or someone who just doesn’t feel the same way about you (anymore). I’ve said to my girlfriends that I wholeheartedly believe that until you have experienced true happiness alone/as a single woman, you will never be happy in a relationship that doesn’t involve you having to compromise almost sacrificially. What do I mean? The mind stretched by a new experience can never return to its old dimensions. Similarly, when you have experienced real happiness, it’s hard to ever be satisfied with anything less because there will always be that constant yearning to get back to that place or previous level of happiness. What some people do though is, in order to be ‘happy’, they compromise even to the point that they lose the very essence of themselves. They have smiles on their faces but their ‘happiness’ is counterfeit. It is only a façade.

On another note, there are some ladies who have had such a long history of bad relationships that they have become immuned or so accustomed to the pain that they would seemingly not know how to function without it. Some women actually don’t know what a good relationship entails as they have no immediate point of reference. Others may believe that they don’t deserve anything good and, as such, aren’t able to accept when good things or people appear in their lives. They are so used to the bad that it is as if they are out of place and not in their element without the bad relationship as a part of their life. I’m reminded of a television show that I watched where this man had been imprisoned most of his whole life and was to be released back into society yet he suffered with feelings of anxiety. As much as he considered freedom to be a good thing which would bring with it the opportunity to live how he chose, he was still anxious as he didn’t know exactly what to expect outside of prison walls. Prison life was more familiar and, as such, it didn’t seem that bad to him. The ‘evil’ he knew was better than the ‘good’ he didn’t know.

That’s exactly what it’s like when you know you need to let go and move on but you’re afraid of the unknown living single. Queens, let us not get trapped into that kind of thinking. I know that you share good times together, I know he has some good qualities and there was possibly a time when all was going great *insert other excuses here* but things have changed. It’s not that way anymore. Face the facts. He’s showing you how he feels about you with every action and IN-ACTION. Believe him. Get out now! Let it go! Stay single. You don’t have to succumb to your fear of never being able to find a good man or another man. Men love happy and purposeful women. It’s when you are happily single, living your life, focused on pursuing your dreams and becoming the best version of yourself that you’ll have more than enough options pursuing you. Don’t lose focus on what’s important- your happiness.

Have you ever looked back at your life and your past relationships and said “WTF?” It was while taking a pee on a well needed bathroom break that I somehow had my “what the fuckdge?” moment. I remembered how I had overstayed in a relationship plagued with infidelity and disrespect. WTF? Yes, that’s right, and I could go into all the excuses and explanations about how you had to be in the situation, know the full story and the details of why and how that happened to understand, but I won’t. Because just as wrong stupid as it sounds to you now, that’s how it hit me while taking this pee. I had stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for years all in the name of ‘love’. After I write this, I may as well hide my face because even though I was the one in the relationship, sometimes it’s not until you are sharing your situation with someone and you hear it out loud that you actually realize how stupid your actions were. You begin to wonder how a smart girl queen like yourself could play the fool for someone who wasn’t even worth it… or probably just wasn’t ready. Either way, how could I have subjected myself to living miserably?

And then it dawned on me how many times I’ve looked in from the outside on other people’s relationships and said, “How does she put up with that?”, “If that were me, I’d leave” or “One girl cya suh fool” But when I was in a situation where I should have left, I battered my esteem by putting up with too much bullsh*t for way too long. Queens, this is what bothers me about us. Why do we subject ourselves to bad relationships? How can a seemingly sensible Queen invite a joker man into her life and then, allows this man to make her do things she wouldn’t normally do, accept things she wouldn’t normally accept and bring out a side in her she is embarrassed even to remember? And then I begin to feel eternally grateful for my experiences and lessons that have brought me to this point of growth and happiness. I’ve learned that YOU determine your happiness by the decisions YOU make. You need to get that joker off your throne and make room for the King that God wants you to build an empire with. It is far better to stay single than to be miserable in a relationship. Why do you ignore your intuition and gut feelings? Why do you foolishly forgive? Why are you trying to fix what you know should stay broken? Contrary to the belief that you need someone to complete you, it actually takes two whole (complete) persons to make a relationship whole. Stay Single. Take this free alone time to become whole- to heal, mend, meditate, exercise, connect with friends, read positive books, pursue your goals, travel, explore, love (yourself), and learn new things. And wouldn’t it be nice if you continued doing all those things that make you happy whether or not, or even after, you found Mr. Right? You need to know that being ‘Happily Single’ is not an oxymoron. In fact, it’s just as possible, even if not as common, as being ‘Miserably Married’ after two years is. Stop focusing so much on men and start focusing more on MENDING.

Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

Thanks for reading. Please follow and SUBSCRIBE to my blog and get updated when there’s a new post by clicking the ‘subscribe’ button on the page.

Follow me on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

Personal IG: @staciadavidson

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Credits:

Photo 1: LM Photography

Photo 2: Dash Photography

Photo 3-4: Nickii Photography

Make up:

@mz_xeri – photos 1-2

@ms.yelad_artistry.realntrue – photos 2-4

Black Hair Matters (Part 2)

“Kingston College High School students in Jamaica are sent home, on an exam day, for wearing fades and mohawks. Black girls in the Bahamas are sent home for Twist Outs. Black girls in Barbados are sent home for Afros; And Bantu Knots (Chiney Bumps) are deemed inappropriate for school.  Some may say that the students are at fault. They know the school rule and should have, therefore, adhered to it. After all, as one teacher puts it, “school rule is school rule. Abide or get out!” But I’ll address that later. For now, I have a deeper concern.

Responding to accusation that the school is lenient with students of Indian and Chinese orientation, the Kingston College Principal said,” students expect them to bald their head like mine but it can’t be that the same rule applies for obvious reason. We have to use our discretion.” It is more worrying than hypocritical that the same authority that sees it fit to suspend black boys for wearing Fades, have seen it fit to use their discretion biases when it comes to students of Indian, Asian and Caucasian descent wearing the exact hairstyles deemed inappropriate when worn by their black schoolmates. What are these ‘obvious reasons’ to which he alludes? Apparently fades are only appropriate when worn by Indians, Caucasians, Asians, Soldiers, Presidents and Prime Ministers… but NOT black students.”– Excerpt from Black Hair Matters Part 1

“Having had the wrong kind of education, the Negro has become his own greatest enemy.”– Marcus Garvey

“We speak often of modernized curricula at the secondary level, and the need to pay attention not just to academic/technical areas of study, but to the sense of identity that young people develop as students. Part of this identity is of course the history of their country and region, and their place in this history. Not just in the Caribbean but wherever young, Black women live, we are told that our hair is somehow inadequate: it is ‘hard’ or ‘knotty’. It is not straight ‘enough’, although enough for whom or what one cannot be sure. And where we are kindly allowed to wear our hair naturally as it grows from our heads, there are caveats: as long as it is pulled back or braided tight or otherwise tamed.”[1]

Though no one can force someone to start seeing and appreciating black beauty, it would be beneficial for us to start questioning our beliefs about race, beauty and natural hair. If we recognized that those who created the dominant cultural ideas we’ve internalized did so for their benefit, and not ours, we would be better able to understand that the psychological conflict this internalization causes is self-destructive. Self-hatred continues the cycle of self-degradation, and it’s impossible to teach our children about their self worth, and get them to take their history seriously, if our own sense of self is distorted through a white lens. What are the lessons being taught to us as a society that teachers would think sending a child home for wearing their natural hair out is acceptable and excusable?

“Among my primary concerns is the message being sent to young women of African heritage in this country that their natural selves are of necessity untidy, unsuitable or otherwise inadequate. The argument that “students can do whatever they like once they enter the real world, but this is school” also misunderstands the role of formal education and the process of young people’s development. School is the real world. Young people are understanding themselves and their environment, and while becoming who they will be, they also are.”[2]

Lessons of self- confidence, self- worth and self- identity have to be incorporated into the collective consciousness. Therefore, children have to be socialized to believe their self worth. I’ve heard parents tell their children, “Nuh deh wid nobody blacker than u madda or fada!

Choose a man wid pretty hair suh yuh pickney can have pretty hair

Nuh bring home nuh black picky picky head man/gyal fi meet mi

I’ve heard teachers tell children,

“Yuh see how yuh black” as if being black was some sort of leprosy and something to be avoided or ashamed of.

Children spend most of their time at home and school. The only way to undo all what we have learned as it relates to self hate is to constantly drive home the message of self love. The brain is a creature of repetition; whoever gets at it the most will rule it. The brain cannot resist the temptation to believe something that is regularly presented before it or that it’s regularly fed. So that’s what makes teachers’ jobs so hard yet critical. Children only spend approximately 8 hours at school. What do they spend the other 16 hours doing, hearing, and watching? The formative years of conditioning are from birth to 12. It is counterproductive that we (parents, teachers, society) instill values consistent with self hate in those critical years and then try to change them after they have already been habituated and developed personalities and hard habits. As the Jamaican proverb appropriately states, “ben’ the tree when it young, when it old, it will bruck” What people have ever been freed by giving the best years of their children to their ‘oppressor’? The ‘oppressor’, in this instance, is the value system of white bias.[3]

We have to replace the old zero-tolerance approach with an approach built on the conviction that suspension and expulsion don’t solve problems at the root of student misbehavior. Continuing to promote zero tolerance, masking it as just a commitment to discipline and blind social conformity, we are failing future generations of black kinky hair students. When you fail to engage your school boards in the conversation around changing these outdated rules, that’s your contribution to the old guard. Yes, systems matter, and yes, there are villains and bad apples out there. But we’ve got to be way more honest and own our contribution to all of this. Our contribution can be what we do but also what we fail to do. Let’s make it personal, and admit our own fault and contributions to this value system that promotes ‘white bias’. I know that’s hard to hear. But yes, you and I, intelligent, well-intentioned warriors of discipline — we contribute to the system when we say nothing and do nothing. If we remain silent in matters of injustice, we have chosen the side of the oppressor.

I can see somebody reading and saying, “Look at her telling us not to uphold school rules and preaching about natural hair like she is more enlightened and confident than all of us. But she can say wah she waan say, she don’t have to deal with these unruly kids on a daily basis? and who are you to say we have issues of self hate just because we’re not natural?” I promise you, my intention is not to seem like I am the Malcolm X of natural hair advocacy or that I am righteous and have all the answers. It’s purely out of love for my people when I suggest that rejecting straightened hair is symbolic of a deeper act of rejecting the belief that straightening hair and other forms of grooming which are deemed ‘socially acceptable’ are the only means of looking ‘presentable’, ‘formal’, ‘sophisticated’, ‘groomed’, ‘appropriate’, ‘respectable’, ‘neat’, ‘professional’ and attaining success in society. I, like the other person, am still on that journey of undoing and unlearning all the blatant and subliminal negative messages that were fed to me in my formative years.

The first step to ‘rehabilitation’ is admission and realizing a need for change. Let’s consciously correct our subconscious thoughts, our conversations, and our actions. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. In fact, I have to stop myself from saying and doing things daily that contradict this empowerment of which I speak of. If your ‘discipline’ undermines the values of self love, self worth and self acceptance, it’s time for it to be disrupted.

Others should not be able to dictate to us what is beautiful and we just sit powerlessly regurgitating those beauty standards. Racism ‘works’ by encouraging the devaluation of self-identity by the victims themselves, and that re-centering of a sense of pride is a prerequisite for resistance and reconstruction. Let us take charge of the messages we consume daily and the messages we allow our children to consume. Our hair doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’! Society’s view of beauty is what is broken. I’ve been told more often than not that I’m prejudiced towards women with natural hair. I am not. Some of my most beloved friends have processed hair. However, I choose to highlight beauties with natural hair through this medium because, as a black woman, I understand that I needed to see positive images of black natural hair beauties and, by highlighting them, I am contributing, if only minutely, to my people seeing themselves as BEAUTIFUL. I am challenging the idea that there is one standard of beauty. Good hair is not only straight hair or hair with curl patterns closer to Caucasian, Indian or Asian textures. ‘Good hair’ is HEALTHY hair whether it be kinky, curly, coily, nappy, or straight.

“Until the lions have their own historians, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.”

We are Kings and Queens whose history have been distorted because we allowed someone else to tell it. We were never slaves. We were enslaved. Two different things. I see a need to incorporate and structure our history in the school curriculum in a way that empowers us as a people and that builds self esteem. But who would teach it if there are teachers who themselves need these lessons? Black Hair Matters. Until these hair rules are applied unbiasedly to all kinds of hair then you are asking us to accept that we are ‘valorized according to the tilt of our whiteness’ and that ‘rules are rules’ and must be followed regardless. Back in the day you may have blindly followed and upheld those hair rules but now that you know better or at least should know better (even if only after reading this). Don’t you think it would be irresponsible and cowardice to go back to enforcing those kinds of ‘rules’? The mind stretched by an idea can never be returned to its original dimensions. No man can grow and remain the same. Are you going to stunt positive growth and awareness because of fear and because ‘it has always been done that way’?

Let us be brave if only for the future generation.

Let us not apologise for the texture of our hair and for being disruptive about policies and changes that affect our race.

Let us not judge our beauty based on European standards or we will forever believe we are ‘ugly’ and ‘inadequate’. We are not Europeans. We are AFRICANS… and our hair (and lives) matter.
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Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

Follow on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

Personal IG: @staciadavidson

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[1] Letter from group of Harrison College Alumni in Barbados

[2] Letter from group of Harrison College Alumni in Barbados

[3] Dr. Umar Johnson

*Not all images are property of the blog

4 Reasons He Invited You Over

Disclaimer: Ladies, this blog post is not my attempt to try to burst your bubble on the eve of Valentine’s Day and men, this is not an attempt to cock-block. There are other ways I could do that. My aim is simply to tell it like it is and maybe something I say will reach someone, either as comedy, mere entertainment or if I’m really lucky, someone will find my thoughts empowering. Or am I pushing it  a bit?

Anyway, there are some men who just love asking the question, “Are you coming over tonight?” and there is nothing wrong with that question. Women, just BEWARE. If you find that a man keeps INSISTING that you come to his house after you’ve only just met, he is probably up to no good. Well, let me put this another way because depending on how you view things, what he is up to may be all the GOOD that your body craves.*giggles* I couldn’t help myself with that one. I don’t know why I always run off chasing some random thought like a sex deprived dog during mating season. I blame it on the oil in my back. Nevertheless, all I’m saying is don’t think too much into things when he is in a hurry for you to come to his house. It’s not necessarily that he likes you so much and thinks that he has finally found the girl of his dreams.

In fact, on the contrary, FOUR (4) OTHER reasons come to mind why he would be PRESSURING you to make a house visit:

1. He wants to have sex with you. He wants the ‘good good’ and being at his house makes it easier for this encounter especially if you two are alone. It makes you more vulnerable to his advances.

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2. He is cheap. Let’s face it. House dates are cheaper- no gas, no entry fees and they usually end with sex so it’s really a win-win situation right there.

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3. He is hiding. Believe it or not, for whatever reason, maybe prince charming doesn’t want to be seen with you in a public setting. Could it be that he has a wife or is it that he is ashamed of you? Well, I have no idea why he is hiding. In fact, you may be tempted to ask why would a man that’s hiding bring you to his house since his girlfriend or wife can always show up. Don’t ask me ask the many men who have been caught red-handed. I have no idea why they do it and I am not trying to understand. That’s really not the point of this post. Stop trying to over think things because you want to feel special.  The point is, he may be hiding. Why would he bring you to the movies, dinner or that party where he could run into any “unnecessary problems” aka “friends of his girlfriend”, “his friends” or just “anybody”? And if he did bring you, he’d probably have to wear a mask and hoodie and we all know how that ended for Trayvon.

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4. He wants you to see his house. If he has a nice place, if he is rich etc, he tries to use that as a means of getting you in bed with him. The idea behind that is, he believes that the more money he has or is perceived of having, the greater his chances of scoring… IN YOUR GOAL. In other words, man logic is, if a girl thinks you have money or that you are rich, she’ll open her legs quicker and more easily. And who can blame them for thinking this?

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So basically ladies, those are 4 other reasons he didn’t tell you why you should come see him. You can either take my word for it, ask your brother, father or a good male friend but the dude who is pressuring you to come by his place is not looking to spending a quiet evening with you. It’s not that he loves your company, it’s not that he doesn’t like public spaces, and it’s not that he just wants to chill and watch a movie. The bottom line is, he wants to F*CK!

Happy Valentine’s Eve Day Queens!
Sex Visit Responsibly. *lol*

Love,

Queen Stacia.

Follow on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

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Love Shit Happens!

It’s Valentine’s Day in a couple of days so I thought I should write something on love and then I found this post I had written three years ago. With some minor edits, I’ve decided to reshare on this new platform:

I jumped out of bed this morning with a thought. No huge revelation just something that said, “hey this is what happened. You accepted shit.”

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My friend asked me one simple question one night and the way I answered (or not answered) had me thinking. It was as if I was afraid to be judged not because he would judge me but because as I looked back on my previous relationship I saw how I had allowed “love” to make me lower my standards. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned but it seems I’m still grappling with how I managed to foolishly let some things slide in the name of love. The diagnosis is clear. Love makes you do shit. It makes you accept shit. And it makes you not see shit as shit.

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Side Note: I’m sorry if I’m offending anyone by my insistent use of the word “shit” but it gets the point across as crudely as I want it to and have somehow managed to infiltrate my vocabulary. 

But anyway, as I was saying, love will make your usually superficial mind excuse the fact that he has a big nose. It will make you excuse his beer belly, his knocked knees, and his disproportionate body. Even worst, it may even make you excuse the fact that you’re being abused and/or that he has a girlfriend.

Just so you know, those were merely hypothetical descriptions and situations but the message is you all know that there were things you said you would never do and then you meet a guy, fall head over heels and, all of a sudden, you’re a girl on the side; all of sudden you’re being pounded on; all of a sudden, you’re with the pot belly guy. Yes, it happens, love makes you do some crazy shit. In fact, love makes you excuse the shit that people do. Like nincompoops, we hold people to a lower standard when we love them. 

I’m learning to do just the opposite actually. I’m taking no excuses to be treated poorly. There are no excuses to lower my standards. On the contrary, because I love you, I have to, I MUST hold you to a higher standard because you are now very capable of hurting me. 

I’ve learned that love is never a good enough excuse to accept shit.  Queen, when he disrespects you, say to yourself, sometimes love just isn’t enough. Because the truth is, sometimes it isn’t. Relationships need more than love. It takes respect, communication, trust and maturity etc etc. Why would you stay with a man that’s beating your ass and all in the name of love???? Then who’s to love you???  Why not leave his ass because you love yourself? Now doesn’t that sound like the better plan?

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Queens, I beseech you, don’t be tricked into this notion that makes you accept crap as valid excuses for lowering your standards and foolishly compromising your worth. I’m not saying that people don’t make mistakes, I’m not saying that you’re not going to find someone who is worthy of forgiveness but what I am saying is don’t use love as an excuse or a crotch to take shit in life. Try loving yourself first and you’ll find how much easier it becomes to not accept shit from others. You have got to learn that shit will always come from one place…. the ass.

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Love xoxo,

Queen Stacia.

Follow on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

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