Men To Mend

Why are you trying to fix it?

Usually people tell you how to get married, how to find that perfect partner, in fact, there are probably thousands of books on that subject but this is not one of those books blog posts. On the contrary, this post is about telling you how to let go, how to leave that man who has been making your life a living hell and how to stay and be happy as a single woman. Doesn’t sound enticing? Well, that’s because this post is exactly written with you in mind. Let’s get this straight, I am not advocating for #TeamSingle and am in no way suggesting that single life is the overall best alternative. I am, however, advocating for #TeamHappy and am boldly suggesting that sometimes, as women, we stay and suffer in bad relationships just so we don’t have to be single. You may want to leave the relationship but it seems as if some invisible force keeps pulling you back in. Ashanti made melody to this kind of ‘situationship’ with her hit song when she said, “…see my days are cold without you and I’m hurting while I’m with you and when my heart can’t take no more I keep on running back to you..” If you want to have any shot at a happy and fulfilling life, then making the decision to leave him and sticking to it may be the best decision you will ever make in your entire life. No regrets. No bitterness.

You may ask what gives me the authority to write about this. Why should anyone listen to me? Though I opted for a Political Science degree instead of a degree in Counselling or Psychology, my experience as a friend, as a girlfriend and also as an ex give me the authority. I have been in relationships and I’ve been out of them. I have been all stages of single: miserably single, angrily single, sadly single, depressingly single and lastly, and wholly rewarding, happily single. I’ve heard many relationship stories, listened to my friends cry, (and I have cried on their shoulders as well) and I have realized a common thread. Hence, my authority is EXPERIENCE- mine and that of others. I’m telling you what you might not want to hear but what you will need to hear to move forward. There are just some relationships that aren’t worth saving. There’s nothing worse than to be tied to someone who doesn’t understand your destiny, someone who is abusive physically and/or verbally, or someone who just doesn’t feel the same way about you (anymore). I’ve said to my girlfriends that I wholeheartedly believe that until you have experienced true happiness alone/as a single woman, you will never be happy in a relationship that doesn’t involve you having to compromise almost sacrificially. What do I mean? The mind stretched by a new experience can never return to its old dimensions. Similarly, when you have experienced real happiness, it’s hard to ever be satisfied with anything less because there will always be that constant yearning to get back to that place or previous level of happiness. What some people do though is, in order to be ‘happy’, they compromise even to the point that they lose the very essence of themselves. They have smiles on their faces but their ‘happiness’ is counterfeit. It is only a façade.

On another note, there are some ladies who have had such a long history of bad relationships that they have become immuned or so accustomed to the pain that they would seemingly not know how to function without it. Some women actually don’t know what a good relationship entails as they have no immediate point of reference. Others may believe that they don’t deserve anything good and, as such, aren’t able to accept when good things or people appear in their lives. They are so used to the bad that it is as if they are out of place and not in their element without the bad relationship as a part of their life. I’m reminded of a television show that I watched where this man had been imprisoned most of his whole life and was to be released back into society yet he suffered with feelings of anxiety. As much as he considered freedom to be a good thing which would bring with it the opportunity to live how he chose, he was still anxious as he didn’t know exactly what to expect outside of prison walls. Prison life was more familiar and, as such, it didn’t seem that bad to him. The ‘evil’ he knew was better than the ‘good’ he didn’t know.

That’s exactly what it’s like when you know you need to let go and move on but you’re afraid of the unknown living single. Queens, let us not get trapped into that kind of thinking. I know that you share good times together, I know he has some good qualities and there was possibly a time when all was going great *insert other excuses here* but things have changed. It’s not that way anymore. Face the facts. He’s showing you how he feels about you with every action and IN-ACTION. Believe him. Get out now! Let it go! Stay single. You don’t have to succumb to your fear of never being able to find a good man or another man. Men love happy and purposeful women. It’s when you are happily single, living your life, focused on pursuing your dreams and becoming the best version of yourself that you’ll have more than enough options pursuing you. Don’t lose focus on what’s important- your happiness.

Have you ever looked back at your life and your past relationships and said “WTF?” It was while taking a pee on a well needed bathroom break that I somehow had my “what the fuckdge?” moment. I remembered how I had overstayed in a relationship plagued with infidelity and disrespect. WTF? Yes, that’s right, and I could go into all the excuses and explanations about how you had to be in the situation, know the full story and the details of why and how that happened to understand, but I won’t. Because just as wrong stupid as it sounds to you now, that’s how it hit me while taking this pee. I had stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for years all in the name of ‘love’. After I write this, I may as well hide my face because even though I was the one in the relationship, sometimes it’s not until you are sharing your situation with someone and you hear it out loud that you actually realize how stupid your actions were. You begin to wonder how a smart girl queen like yourself could play the fool for someone who wasn’t even worth it… or probably just wasn’t ready. Either way, how could I have subjected myself to living miserably?

And then it dawned on me how many times I’ve looked in from the outside on other people’s relationships and said, “How does she put up with that?”, “If that were me, I’d leave” or “One girl cya suh fool” But when I was in a situation where I should have left, I battered my esteem by putting up with too much bullsh*t for way too long. Queens, this is what bothers me about us. Why do we subject ourselves to bad relationships? How can a seemingly sensible Queen invite a joker man into her life and then, allows this man to make her do things she wouldn’t normally do, accept things she wouldn’t normally accept and bring out a side in her she is embarrassed even to remember? And then I begin to feel eternally grateful for my experiences and lessons that have brought me to this point of growth and happiness. I’ve learned that YOU determine your happiness by the decisions YOU make. You need to get that joker off your throne and make room for the King that God wants you to build an empire with. It is far better to stay single than to be miserable in a relationship. Why do you ignore your intuition and gut feelings? Why do you foolishly forgive? Why are you trying to fix what you know should stay broken? Contrary to the belief that you need someone to complete you, it actually takes two whole (complete) persons to make a relationship whole. Stay Single. Take this free alone time to become whole- to heal, mend, meditate, exercise, connect with friends, read positive books, pursue your goals, travel, explore, love (yourself), and learn new things. And wouldn’t it be nice if you continued doing all those things that make you happy whether or not, or even after, you found Mr. Right? You need to know that being ‘Happily Single’ is not an oxymoron. In fact, it’s just as possible, even if not as common, as being ‘Miserably Married’ after two years is. Stop focusing so much on men and start focusing more on MENDING.

Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

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Credits:

Photo 1: LM Photography

Photo 2: Dash Photography

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Black Hair Matters (Part 2)

“Kingston College High School students in Jamaica are sent home, on an exam day, for wearing fades and mohawks. Black girls in the Bahamas are sent home for Twist Outs. Black girls in Barbados are sent home for Afros; And Bantu Knots (Chiney Bumps) are deemed inappropriate for school.  Some may say that the students are at fault. They know the school rule and should have, therefore, adhered to it. After all, as one teacher puts it, “school rule is school rule. Abide or get out!” But I’ll address that later. For now, I have a deeper concern.

Responding to accusation that the school is lenient with students of Indian and Chinese orientation, the Kingston College Principal said,” students expect them to bald their head like mine but it can’t be that the same rule applies for obvious reason. We have to use our discretion.” It is more worrying than hypocritical that the same authority that sees it fit to suspend black boys for wearing Fades, have seen it fit to use their discretion biases when it comes to students of Indian, Asian and Caucasian descent wearing the exact hairstyles deemed inappropriate when worn by their black schoolmates. What are these ‘obvious reasons’ to which he alludes? Apparently fades are only appropriate when worn by Indians, Caucasians, Asians, Soldiers, Presidents and Prime Ministers… but NOT black students.”– Excerpt from Black Hair Matters Part 1

“Having had the wrong kind of education, the Negro has become his own greatest enemy.”– Marcus Garvey

“We speak often of modernized curricula at the secondary level, and the need to pay attention not just to academic/technical areas of study, but to the sense of identity that young people develop as students. Part of this identity is of course the history of their country and region, and their place in this history. Not just in the Caribbean but wherever young, Black women live, we are told that our hair is somehow inadequate: it is ‘hard’ or ‘knotty’. It is not straight ‘enough’, although enough for whom or what one cannot be sure. And where we are kindly allowed to wear our hair naturally as it grows from our heads, there are caveats: as long as it is pulled back or braided tight or otherwise tamed.”[1]

Though no one can force someone to start seeing and appreciating black beauty, it would be beneficial for us to start questioning our beliefs about race, beauty and natural hair. If we recognized that those who created the dominant cultural ideas we’ve internalized did so for their benefit, and not ours, we would be better able to understand that the psychological conflict this internalization causes is self-destructive. Self-hatred continues the cycle of self-degradation, and it’s impossible to teach our children about their self worth, and get them to take their history seriously, if our own sense of self is distorted through a white lens. What are the lessons being taught to us as a society that teachers would think sending a child home for wearing their natural hair out is acceptable and excusable?

“Among my primary concerns is the message being sent to young women of African heritage in this country that their natural selves are of necessity untidy, unsuitable or otherwise inadequate. The argument that “students can do whatever they like once they enter the real world, but this is school” also misunderstands the role of formal education and the process of young people’s development. School is the real world. Young people are understanding themselves and their environment, and while becoming who they will be, they also are.”[2]

Lessons of self- confidence, self- worth and self- identity have to be incorporated into the collective consciousness. Therefore, children have to be socialized to believe their self worth. I’ve heard parents tell their children, “Nuh deh wid nobody blacker than u madda or fada!

Choose a man wid pretty hair suh yuh pickney can have pretty hair

Nuh bring home nuh black picky picky head man/gyal fi meet mi

I’ve heard teachers tell children,

“Yuh see how yuh black” as if being black was some sort of leprosy and something to be avoided or ashamed of.

Children spend most of their time at home and school. The only way to undo all what we have learned as it relates to self hate is to constantly drive home the message of self love. The brain is a creature of repetition; whoever gets at it the most will rule it. The brain cannot resist the temptation to believe something that is regularly presented before it or that it’s regularly fed. So that’s what makes teachers’ jobs so hard yet critical. Children only spend approximately 8 hours at school. What do they spend the other 16 hours doing, hearing, and watching? The formative years of conditioning are from birth to 12. It is counterproductive that we (parents, teachers, society) instill values consistent with self hate in those critical years and then try to change them after they have already been habituated and developed personalities and hard habits. As the Jamaican proverb appropriately states, “ben’ the tree when it young, when it old, it will bruck” What people have ever been freed by giving the best years of their children to their ‘oppressor’? The ‘oppressor’, in this instance, is the value system of white bias.[3]

We have to replace the old zero-tolerance approach with an approach built on the conviction that suspension and expulsion don’t solve problems at the root of student misbehavior. Continuing to promote zero tolerance, masking it as just a commitment to discipline and blind social conformity, we are failing future generations of black kinky hair students. When you fail to engage your school boards in the conversation around changing these outdated rules, that’s your contribution to the old guard. Yes, systems matter, and yes, there are villains and bad apples out there. But we’ve got to be way more honest and own our contribution to all of this. Our contribution can be what we do but also what we fail to do. Let’s make it personal, and admit our own fault and contributions to this value system that promotes ‘white bias’. I know that’s hard to hear. But yes, you and I, intelligent, well-intentioned warriors of discipline — we contribute to the system when we say nothing and do nothing. If we remain silent in matters of injustice, we have chosen the side of the oppressor.

I can see somebody reading and saying, “Look at her telling us not to uphold school rules and preaching about natural hair like she is more enlightened and confident than all of us. But she can say wah she waan say, she don’t have to deal with these unruly kids on a daily basis? and who are you to say we have issues of self hate just because we’re not natural?” I promise you, my intention is not to seem like I am the Malcolm X of natural hair advocacy or that I am righteous and have all the answers. It’s purely out of love for my people when I suggest that rejecting straightened hair is symbolic of a deeper act of rejecting the belief that straightening hair and other forms of grooming which are deemed ‘socially acceptable’ are the only means of looking ‘presentable’, ‘formal’, ‘sophisticated’, ‘groomed’, ‘appropriate’, ‘respectable’, ‘neat’, ‘professional’ and attaining success in society. I, like the other person, am still on that journey of undoing and unlearning all the blatant and subliminal negative messages that were fed to me in my formative years.

The first step to ‘rehabilitation’ is admission and realizing a need for change. Let’s consciously correct our subconscious thoughts, our conversations, and our actions. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. In fact, I have to stop myself from saying and doing things daily that contradict this empowerment of which I speak of. If your ‘discipline’ undermines the values of self love, self worth and self acceptance, it’s time for it to be disrupted.

Others should not be able to dictate to us what is beautiful and we just sit powerlessly regurgitating those beauty standards. Racism ‘works’ by encouraging the devaluation of self-identity by the victims themselves, and that re-centering of a sense of pride is a prerequisite for resistance and reconstruction. Let us take charge of the messages we consume daily and the messages we allow our children to consume. Our hair doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’! Society’s view of beauty is what is broken. I’ve been told more often than not that I’m prejudiced towards women with natural hair. I am not. Some of my most beloved friends have processed hair. However, I choose to highlight beauties with natural hair through this medium because, as a black woman, I understand that I needed to see positive images of black natural hair beauties and, by highlighting them, I am contributing, if only minutely, to my people seeing themselves as BEAUTIFUL. I am challenging the idea that there is one standard of beauty. Good hair is not only straight hair or hair with curl patterns closer to Caucasian, Indian or Asian textures. ‘Good hair’ is HEALTHY hair whether it be kinky, curly, coily, nappy, or straight.

“Until the lions have their own historians, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.”

We are Kings and Queens whose history have been distorted because we allowed someone else to tell it. We were never slaves. We were enslaved. Two different things. I see a need to incorporate and structure our history in the school curriculum in a way that empowers us as a people and that builds self esteem. But who would teach it if there are teachers who themselves need these lessons? Black Hair Matters. Until these hair rules are applied unbiasedly to all kinds of hair then you are asking us to accept that we are ‘valorized according to the tilt of our whiteness’ and that ‘rules are rules’ and must be followed regardless. Back in the day you may have blindly followed and upheld those hair rules but now that you know better or at least should know better (even if only after reading this). Don’t you think it would be irresponsible and cowardice to go back to enforcing those kinds of ‘rules’? The mind stretched by an idea can never be returned to its original dimensions. No man can grow and remain the same. Are you going to stunt positive growth and awareness because of fear and because ‘it has always been done that way’?

Let us be brave if only for the future generation.

Let us not apologise for the texture of our hair and for being disruptive about policies and changes that affect our race.

Let us not judge our beauty based on European standards or we will forever believe we are ‘ugly’ and ‘inadequate’. We are not Europeans. We are AFRICANS… and our hair (and lives) matter.
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Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

Follow on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

Personal IG: @staciadavidson

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[1] Letter from group of Harrison College Alumni in Barbados

[2] Letter from group of Harrison College Alumni in Barbados

[3] Dr. Umar Johnson

*Not all images are property of the blog

Black Hair Matters.

“We have outgrown slavery, but our minds are still enslaved to the thinking of the Master race. Now take these kinks out of your mind, instead of out of your hair.”– Marcus Garvey

All hair is NOT created equal. That’s the lye lie they are still trying to force into our heads. It is a sad day when the hair that naturally grows out of a person’s head is deemed unacceptable. I remember some 20 years ago having a conversation with a childhood friend who was telling me that it was against her school rules to comb her hair in more than 3 or 4 cornrows/braids. What was the logic behind this rule? I think she had said combing it in anything more than 4 braids would be akin to looking like a ‘Rasta’. But don’t quote me on that. Nevertheless, I found this rule weird and offensive since this was a school with a predominantly black student populace. Braiding is not only a way for Black people to show off our hairstyles and creativity but it is also a means of having one less thing to worry about while getting ready for school each morning. Since cornrows can last for at least a week once proper night time ‘tie head’ protocols are followed, this hairstyle is expedient. This rule posed a problem for my friend who not only had very short naturally kinky hair but who was a Christian in the Pentecostal faith. Her faith (church rules) prevented her from processing her hair and her school rules basically made it impossible for her to wear her hair in its short naturally kinky state. Since her hair would need at least 10 cornrows to be even considered “neat” by their standards, you could see that she was in a predicament of sorts. Though having never heard of Walter Rodney and Umar Johnson or knowing very little besides the names of Marcus Garvey and Malcolm X at the time, I still knew there was something ridiculously wrong with that picture.

It was a pointed display of arrogance towards most manifestations of non-European culture. A prominent Girls’ school in the capital Kingston & St. Andrew preventing a female student from wearing natural braids and cornrows- hairstyles synonymous with the African texture- is a school that had no intention of catering to the needs of its black students who by nature were blessed with short kinky hair. For me, this was institutionalized Racism and social manipulation at most; discrimination partly entrenched in the school rules under the guise of instilling discipline.

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“Who taught you to hate yourself? Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair? Who taught you to hate the colour of your skin?” Malcolm X

Fast forward almost 25 years later, Kingston College High School students in Jamaica are sent home, on an exam day, for wearing fades and mohawks. Black girls in the Bahamas are sent home for Twist Outs. Black girls in Barbados are sent home for Afros; And Bantu Knots (Chiney Bumps) are deemed inappropriate for school.  Some may say that the students are at fault. They know the school rule and should have, therefore, adhered to it. After all, as one teacher puts it, “school rule is school rule. Abide or get out!” But I’ll address that later. For now, I have a deeper concern.

Responding to accusation that the school is lenient with students of Indian and Chinese orientation, the Kingston College Principal said,” students expect them to bald their head like mine but it can’t be that the same rule applies for obvious reason. We have to use our discretion.” It is more worrying than hypocritical that the same authority that sees it fit to suspend black boys for wearing Fades, have seen it fit to use their discretion biases when it comes to students of Indian, Asian and Caucasian descent wearing the exact hairstyles deemed inappropriate when worn by their black schoolmates. What are these ‘obvious reasons’ to which he alludes? Apparently fades are only appropriate when worn by Indians, Caucasians, Asians, Soldiers, Presidents and Prime Ministers… but NOT black students.

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Why is it, in 2016 in Jamaica, over 17O years after the ‘Abolition of Slavery’ and ‘Emancipation’ and 54 years after ‘Independence’, do we still think that the afro, bantu knots (chiney bumps), twist outs and other hairstyles commonly worn by African women are ‘unsuitable’, ‘unprofessional’, ‘inappropriate’, ‘unrespectable’, ‘unruly’, ‘unkempt’, ‘untidy’, and ‘ungroomed’? Why are we still sending home black boys for wearing fades and mohawks? Why is the African hair not seen as ‘good hair’? We have been devalued through our history of enslavement. Yet we have, from generations to generations, continued to teach our own, whether through blatant, subliminal and even subtle messages, that we are inadequate and that all hair is NOT created equal. Some are more equal than others.

 “This was my first really big step toward self- degradation: when I endured all of that pain, literally burning my flesh to have it look like a white man’s hair. I had joined that multitude of Negro men and women in America who are brainwashed to believe that the black people are “inferior”- and white people “superior”- that they will even violate and mutilate their God-created bodies to try and look “pretty” by white standards.”- Malcolm X

Some years ago while attending High School, I was 13 at the time in 3rd form (9th grade). I usually travelled to school with my friend’s mom. Those traffic mornings led for great family conversations. I just listened. It was one of those mornings that my friend asked her mom if she would be allowed to process (cream) her hair for her Birthday. She was going to be 14 and that was the only gift she wanted. After negotiating with her mom the entire trip to school, her mom agreed that if she did well for the semester and got straight A’s, she would grant her that wish. ‘Creaming’ her hair was going to be her ‘reward’ for good grades and behaviour.

A friend of mine was in a long distance relationship and hadn’t seen her boyfriend in person for months. She had started her journey back to natural hair and had told me how she loved how her natural hair was looking and how excited she was at the sight of ‘new growth’. Her boyfriend was coming to visit and she gladly awaited the opportunity to spend time with him and show off her beautiful Bantu Knots. For those couple of days that he was going to be in the island, I knew I wasn’t going to see her. But after he left and she visited me, I was in for a surprise. She had exchanged her kinky curly natural crown with processed hair. When I asked why, she said her boyfriend didn’t like how she looked with hair natural. I was disappointed in her decision but I guess no one wants to feel “unpretty” especially to the one person who should be calling you beautiful. Her opinion of her hair didn’t matter because his opinion mattered more. Truth is, I don’t fully blame men for their opinions and preferences.  Men are very visual beings, and they unconsciously learn to define beauty by what society instills in them at a very young age.

Growing up in a Pentecostal Church, we were forced to keep our hair natural. With hopes of straightening my hair, I started questioning my mom as to the Biblical foundation of such rule. I tried to argue that there were no biblical grounds for such rule and even tried to negotiate terms but my mom was adamant that it wasn’t going to happen; At least, “not in my house!”  I kept nagging her about this stupid church rule until she called one of the Elders of the Church who I highly respected to talk to me about it thinking that it would have quelled my ‘sinful’ desire for the ’creamy crack’. As my mother handed me the house phone, I wasn’t sure what to expect but I said “Hello”. It was then that I heard a stern recognizable voice say,  “Are you telling GOD that you don’t like the way He made you and that you don’t think He made you properly or beautiful?” Pausing just enough to muster the confidence of Johnnie Cochran, I quickly backfired, “No, I’m telling Him I loved how He made me. I just want to look even more beautiful.” I don’t remember how the rest of that conversation went but, at that time, I actually felt proud of my response. I had made my case.

In retrospect, my reply only confirmed how deeply rooted the psychological legacy of slavery was and how successful Europeans have been in destroying our self worth and confidence by pushing their standards of beauty on us. Why would straight hair make me more beautiful? At least, why did I think it would? Why wasn’t my Kinky Curls enough?

I’ve had three friends with natural hair entered Miss Jamaica Beauty Pageants. They all entered in different years and they don’t know each other. They all passed the elimination round of the competition and made it to the finals wearing their natural curls. They all seemed like self confident and secure ladies who love their natural hair yet they all decided to ‘alter’ or ‘hide’ their natural curls whether through temporary straightening measures or in an up do. After questioning each of their motives,  I realized that the decision had less to do with what would complement the style of their gowns and  more to do with the thought that wearing their naturally kinky curly hair out for the evening gown segment was inappropriate as they needed a hairstyle that was more ‘suitable’, ‘formal’, ‘sophisticated’ and ‘appropriate’.  It’s not a coincidence that they all viewed wearing their natural hair out, for such a ‘distinguished’ and ‘special’ occasion, in the same light. Those with hair closer to Indian, Asian or Caucasian textures let their hair out for the evening gown segment all the time. There’s not even an inclination in their minds that this could be inappropriate. So why then would they think that wearing their naturally kinky curly hair out wasn’t evening gown worthy? Why did they think it was inadequate and not fitting for a formal occasion?

I told all these stories not to declare how many friends I have but rather to highlight how different persons, of different ages, from different backgrounds, who don’t know each other could hold similar demeaning perceptions or convictions regarding their hair.

We had to learn it from somewhere. This internalized form of racism is an invisible presence in our psyches, and some of us don’t even realize that it’s a factor in how we perceive ourselves and others. Thus, for instance, my friend’s boyfriend could think his attraction to straight long hair is just a ‘matter of taste’, and I could articulate that ‘creaming’ my hair would make me ‘prettier’. It’s a matter of identity, self-worth and self-acceptance. That is why I can’t agree with the notion that rules are just rules and, as such, should be blindly followed.. Rules are NOT just rules. Rules are a reflection of society’s standards, values and fears. How we view ourselves and others are directly related to how we act. When we continue to enforce rules that either blatantly reinforce or express subtle undertones of self hatred and discrimination towards non-European traits, we are teaching our children values that promote a mindset that there is no room for the idea of naturally kinky haired black beauty.  And we continue the cycle from generations to generations if those rules aren’t changed.

  

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A Part 2 will be posted this week which will offer ‘solutions’ as I didn’t want to make this post too long 🙂

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Love & Blessings,

Queen Stacia.

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*Not all images are property of the blog

Raise Your Price!

mighty race

“If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured, the world will not raise your price.”

I’ve always known this but the revelation has just now jumped at me so refreshingly and with such a convincing intensity that I had to write about it.

The secret has been out for so long, yet as a people, we refuse to consciously decide to act and change the way we view ourselves. We refuse to change our limiting beliefs of who we are and what we are worth. The startling realization that the ONLY thing that could be keeping you down, keeping you in bondage, keeping you poor, keeping you in bad relationships is how you see yourself, is still not even enough to force you to see your worth.

It’s as clear to me as daylight now. Have you ever wondered how such a strong, powerful, smart, ingenuous, creative race could succumb to being enslaved for so long? It’s simple, our oppressors weren’t any stronger, any greater in numbers, any more creative but what they had was the “secret”. You keep someone down by instilling their sense of worthlessness, by ensuring they never come to realize their worth. You do that to someone, and you have in your possession a devoted slave for life… a slave to oppressive systems, a slave to bad relationships, a slave to mediocrity, a slave to failure, a slave to low esteem… Now, you do that to a nation, to an entire race and you can just imagine the power you hold in your hands.

You’ll notice the minute someone starts seeing his worth, his actions change. The fact is, no one can change without first changing his mindset…That’s where it all starts. Our very decisions are affected when we change how we think. We start making better choices, accepting better things and refusing to accept that which is bad for us because we know what we deserve. Marcus Garvey said that without confidence in self we are twice defeated in the race of life but that confidence only comes when we realize our worth. Our worth is tied to our possibilities.

When you know your worth, you walk accordingly. So there is really no magic to what people have been saying all along about the law of attraction. If you are walking with your head down, if you have a low self esteem, if you are negative etc., you will send off that signal and you’ll attract those things and people to your life that may feed on those kinds of attitudes and energies. However, a woman, who is confident, looks good and knows it, knows what she’s about, knows what she wants and what she’s worth will attract those men bold enough to take on the challenge and will probably deter those that don’t think they can match up to the expectations. That’s the simple Law of Attraction…. we attract what we honour, what we respect and what we believe.

I’m not saying it’s easy to change how we think and how we view ourselves especially since some of us have been born to believe our worthlessness but it’s NECESSARY if we are going to improve our lives, make better choices and BUILD the confidence Garvey wanted us to have… What is good about you? What is different about you? Find out and instill in yourself a sense of worth. Read good books that will help the process. Hang around people who know their worth and who are confident and positive. Your life is in your hands. You cannot depend on others to make you feel worthwhile because such is the system of slavery and capitalism….designed to keep you in classes- one above the other, one smarter than the other, one richer than the other, one superior to the other…

Find your worth, cherish it, internalize it, live it….. and see yourself walk into a better life.

You are worthy. Raise your price!

Love,

Queen Stacia.

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4 Reasons He Invited You Over

Disclaimer: Ladies, this blog post is not my attempt to try to burst your bubble on the eve of Valentine’s Day and men, this is not an attempt to cock-block. There are other ways I could do that. My aim is simply to tell it like it is and maybe something I say will reach someone, either as comedy, mere entertainment or if I’m really lucky, someone will find my thoughts empowering. Or am I pushing it  a bit?

Anyway, there are some men who just love asking the question, “Are you coming over tonight?” and there is nothing wrong with that question. Women, just BEWARE. If you find that a man keeps INSISTING that you come to his house after you’ve only just met, he is probably up to no good. Well, let me put this another way because depending on how you view things, what he is up to may be all the GOOD that your body craves.*giggles* I couldn’t help myself with that one. I don’t know why I always run off chasing some random thought like a sex deprived dog during mating season. I blame it on the oil in my back. Nevertheless, all I’m saying is don’t think too much into things when he is in a hurry for you to come to his house. It’s not necessarily that he likes you so much and thinks that he has finally found the girl of his dreams.

In fact, on the contrary, FOUR (4) OTHER reasons come to mind why he would be PRESSURING you to make a house visit:

1. He wants to have sex with you. He wants the ‘good good’ and being at his house makes it easier for this encounter especially if you two are alone. It makes you more vulnerable to his advances.

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2. He is cheap. Let’s face it. House dates are cheaper- no gas, no entry fees and they usually end with sex so it’s really a win-win situation right there.

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3. He is hiding. Believe it or not, for whatever reason, maybe prince charming doesn’t want to be seen with you in a public setting. Could it be that he has a wife or is it that he is ashamed of you? Well, I have no idea why he is hiding. In fact, you may be tempted to ask why would a man that’s hiding bring you to his house since his girlfriend or wife can always show up. Don’t ask me ask the many men who have been caught red-handed. I have no idea why they do it and I am not trying to understand. That’s really not the point of this post. Stop trying to over think things because you want to feel special.  The point is, he may be hiding. Why would he bring you to the movies, dinner or that party where he could run into any “unnecessary problems” aka “friends of his girlfriend”, “his friends” or just “anybody”? And if he did bring you, he’d probably have to wear a mask and hoodie and we all know how that ended for Trayvon.

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4. He wants you to see his house. If he has a nice place, if he is rich etc, he tries to use that as a means of getting you in bed with him. The idea behind that is, he believes that the more money he has or is perceived of having, the greater his chances of scoring… IN YOUR GOAL. In other words, man logic is, if a girl thinks you have money or that you are rich, she’ll open her legs quicker and more easily. And who can blame them for thinking this?

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So basically ladies, those are 4 other reasons he didn’t tell you why you should come see him. You can either take my word for it, ask your brother, father or a good male friend but the dude who is pressuring you to come by his place is not looking to spending a quiet evening with you. It’s not that he loves your company, it’s not that he doesn’t like public spaces, and it’s not that he just wants to chill and watch a movie. The bottom line is, he wants to F*CK!

Happy Valentine’s Eve Day Queens!
Sex Visit Responsibly. *lol*

Love,

Queen Stacia.

Follow on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

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Love Shit Happens!

It’s Valentine’s Day in a couple of days so I thought I should write something on love and then I found this post I had written three years ago. With some minor edits, I’ve decided to reshare on this new platform:

I jumped out of bed this morning with a thought. No huge revelation just something that said, “hey this is what happened. You accepted shit.”

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My friend asked me one simple question one night and the way I answered (or not answered) had me thinking. It was as if I was afraid to be judged not because he would judge me but because as I looked back on my previous relationship I saw how I had allowed “love” to make me lower my standards. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned but it seems I’m still grappling with how I managed to foolishly let some things slide in the name of love. The diagnosis is clear. Love makes you do shit. It makes you accept shit. And it makes you not see shit as shit.

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Side Note: I’m sorry if I’m offending anyone by my insistent use of the word “shit” but it gets the point across as crudely as I want it to and have somehow managed to infiltrate my vocabulary. 

But anyway, as I was saying, love will make your usually superficial mind excuse the fact that he has a big nose. It will make you excuse his beer belly, his knocked knees, and his disproportionate body. Even worst, it may even make you excuse the fact that you’re being abused and/or that he has a girlfriend.

Just so you know, those were merely hypothetical descriptions and situations but the message is you all know that there were things you said you would never do and then you meet a guy, fall head over heels and, all of a sudden, you’re a girl on the side; all of sudden you’re being pounded on; all of a sudden, you’re with the pot belly guy. Yes, it happens, love makes you do some crazy shit. In fact, love makes you excuse the shit that people do. Like nincompoops, we hold people to a lower standard when we love them. 

I’m learning to do just the opposite actually. I’m taking no excuses to be treated poorly. There are no excuses to lower my standards. On the contrary, because I love you, I have to, I MUST hold you to a higher standard because you are now very capable of hurting me. 

I’ve learned that love is never a good enough excuse to accept shit.  Queen, when he disrespects you, say to yourself, sometimes love just isn’t enough. Because the truth is, sometimes it isn’t. Relationships need more than love. It takes respect, communication, trust and maturity etc etc. Why would you stay with a man that’s beating your ass and all in the name of love???? Then who’s to love you???  Why not leave his ass because you love yourself? Now doesn’t that sound like the better plan?

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Queens, I beseech you, don’t be tricked into this notion that makes you accept crap as valid excuses for lowering your standards and foolishly compromising your worth. I’m not saying that people don’t make mistakes, I’m not saying that you’re not going to find someone who is worthy of forgiveness but what I am saying is don’t use love as an excuse or a crotch to take shit in life. Try loving yourself first and you’ll find how much easier it becomes to not accept shit from others. You have got to learn that shit will always come from one place…. the ass.

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Love xoxo,

Queen Stacia.

Follow on Instagram: @naturaliconbeauty

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What Am I Willing To Suffer For It?

As I lay in bed this morning contemplating whether or not to exercise, I came across this article  which could have easily been called “Salt” because that is exactly what it felt like while reading it; it was like I was pouring salt into my wound of excuses as to why I didn’t have to exercise this morning. It was timely and could not have been more appropriate for my situation. It spoke about how we all want things… and we claim to want them really bad. Whether it is to be rich, a particular job/career, a healthy happy relationship or a sexy beach bod. People will tell you what they want & they will always ask what you want. But the more appropriate question and the true test of what you truly desire is what are you willing to suffer for it? Stop! Pause. Let that marinate.

Are you willing to “suffer” early mornings, the sweat, the soreness and pain of exercising, the hunger pangs, sacrifice fried chicken and pizza, 60- hour work weeks, long commutes, long board meetings, obnoxious paperwork, tough conversations & the awkwardness of silence with your significant other?

Happiness requires struggle. The positive is the side effect of handling the negative.  If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs.

Any time you are in a situation where you find yourself not wanting to do the things that are required in order to achieve this ‘thing’, this ‘goal’ that you claim you want so very badly, ask yourself this important question: What am I willing to suffer for it?

Suffice to say, I did my exercise this morning💪👙

Read the full article here

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*This was a post I made on Instagram a couple months ago and I found myself having to go back to it because sometimes you need a reminder to keep at it. I think you too will find it useful so I decided to post it here.